On the Maury Show!
by Flower-Child-Forever
Summary: Relena is on the Maury show! Doing what? Accusing Hilde of stealing Heero, that's what! Ahem This fic isn't supposed to make much sense, so read it for the craziness, okies? PG-13 for language and slight sexual references.


_**This story came to me around three o'clock AM the other day. It's kinda pointless, but I think it should be amusing (maybe). Oh, for those who don't know, Maury is a talkshow that focuses mostly on relationship problems and finding out who a baby's father is... **_

_   
**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Gundam Wing or any of it characters.....though how I wish I did! And I do NOT own Maury or his show.**_

**"On the Maury Show!"   
**

"Hello and welcome to The Maury Show." A man around 40 said walking on to stage. The audience clapped and cheered. Maury sat down and waved at everyone for a while, then after a while, everyone calmed down. "Today our show is called, "My love has been stolen from me"." Everyone ooed. "Our first guest today says that her long time love was stolen from her by a woman that moved into a house that the guest's love shared with four of his friends." Everyone ooed. "Let's bring her out. Our once queen, and now foreign minister, Relena Peacecraft also known as Relena Dorlian."

Everyone cheered as Relena, dressed in a blue t-shirt and blue jeans and sneakers was escorted on stage. She sat down and smiled sweetly at the crowd and Maury. "Welcome to the show Ms. Relena." he said.

"Please don't call me miss." she said.

"Ok. Well, you say that your love, Heero Yuy, is been stole from you by a woman."

"Yes." she said sadly. "My Heero has been stole from me. He was fine, loving me, we were even thinking about marriage, until that _woman_ came along."

"So he's cheating on you?"

"I guess you could call it that."

"So why are you here if you know that he's cheating?"

"I want him to know that that woman is a whore and a awful woman and to get him to understand that I'm the one he needs."

"What do you mean she's a whore?"

"I've seen her with two of the people Heero and her live with. One of them, they were kissing and the other they were laying in bed with each other." Everyone ooed.

"How do you know this?"

"I hired spies." she admitted.

"You love him that much?"

"I do." she said sadly but smiled.

"Well, we had Heero say something about that before the show." Maury said. "Do you want to hear it?"

"Yes." she said.

"Ok, roll it."

A tv behind them showed a picture of a scowling Heero glaring at the camera with his arms crossed. "Relena, you're fucking crazy." he said calmly, with a hint of death in his voice. "You know for a fact that Hilde never 'stole' me from you." he shot the camera a deathglare again. Everyone in the audience shuddered. "Relena, again, you're fucking crazy." he said and the camera cut off.

"Well," Maury said. "What do you have to say about that?" he asked Relena.

"I say that Hilde has brainwashed him."

"Brainwashed?"

"Yes! I've seen her trying to hypnotize one of the guys she's been with."

"Who are these guys she's been with's names?"

"The guy I seen her kissing is Duo Maxwell, and the guy she was lying in the bed with is Chang Wufei."

"This is a deep story..." he said. "Let's bring Heero out."

In the back

"It's time to go out." the escorter said to Heero.

"Fine." he said and kissed Hilde and handed their daughter, Mima, back to her, kissed his daughter then left with the man.

On stage

Everyone watched and as Heero walked out onto the stage. Some clapped, others booed, but a deathglare from him shut them all up.

"Welcome to the show Heero." Maury said and showed him to his seat beside Relena. Heero didn't answer.

"Relena said that you were cheating on her with the woman who moved into your house." Maury said.

"Hilde?" he asked.

"Yes. Hilde."

"No, I'm not cheating on Relena." he said. Everyone ooed but he shot them another glare.

"Are you with Hilde?"

"I am." he said.

"Then what do you call it then, if not cheating?"

"It's simple. I'm not cheating."

"I'm confused." Maury said.

"I never was with Relena."

Relena's eyes widened. "That's not true Heero." she said.

"Yes it is." he said.

"No it's not." she said calmly.

"You're crazy." he said.

Maury interrupted. "If you weren't with Relena, then what would you call yourself to her?"

"I was her bodyguard in the war."

"Bodyguard? The only bodyguard royalty and VIPs had in the world had was gundam and mobile suit pilots."

Heero still wasn't used to telling people the truth about himself, even though the war was over. "...I know."

"So you're a mobile suit pilot."

"No." he said.

"Surely you're not a gundam pilot?" Maury asked.

"Yep." he said flatly.

"A gundam pilot? Really?" he asked in wow. The audience ooed and awwed. "Which gundam?" he asked.

"...Wing Zero." he said.

The audience ooed and awed. Another deathglare. "About Relena and her insanity." Heero said, changing the subject.

"Oh yeah." Maury said. "So you say that you were only her bodyguard?"

"Yep." he said.

"No feelings to her whatsoever?"

"Nope."

"That's not true Heero!" Relena said. "That witch brainwashed you!"

Heero's eye twitched. "What did you say?"

"I said that witch brainwashed you!"

"Don't you ever say that about Hilde." he said deadly. "She's not a witch and she did not brainwash me!"

"Why don't we bring her out?" Maury said. "Please welcome Hilde!"

People clapped and others booed. Another deathglare.

"Welcome to the show Hilde." Maury said as she sat down.

"Thanks." she answered and took Heero's hand. Relena glared.

"Relena says that you stole Heero from her when you moved in with him and four other men almost 4 1/2 years ago.

"No." she said. "I haven't stolen him from anyone."

"This story's getting more and more interesting. Do you love Heero?"

"Yeah." she nodded. "More than anything."

"Heero, do you love Hilde?"

"I do." He said.

"And you're getting married in less than three months?"

"That's right." he said.

"And you also have a child with Hilde?"

"A three year old daughter." he answered. A picture of Mima appeared on the big tv screen. Everyone awwed.

"Her name's Mima right?"

"Right." Heero answered.

"Well, Relena says that Hilde has been cheating on you with two other men." Maury said.

Heero raised an eyebrow and looked at Hilde who shrugged. "Surely not." he said.

"I swear I never!" she said eyes wide.

"Relena said that Hilde was caught with two of the guys who live with you." Maury said.

Heero looked at Hilde who's eyes widened even more. "I swear I have no idea what she's talking about!" she promised.

"Well what do you have to say about that Heero?" Relena asked.

"I won't talk to you." he said simply.

"What do you have to say about that Heero?" Maury tried.

"I don't know what to say." he answered. "I'm not sure whether to believe it or not."

"I swear I didn't do anything!" Hilde said desperately.

"Do you want to know who the two guys are?" Maury asked.

Heero nodded silently, pondering if it was true or not. He wanted to believe Hilde and had every reason to, but the 'what if's' floated around too.

"Relena says that they're both your best friends."

"All the guys I live with are my best friends." he answered.

"So do you still want to hear it?"

"Might as well." he said.

"Relena says that one of her spies caught Hilde kissing a guy named Duo Maxwell." he said. Everyone ooed. Deathglare.

Heero shrugged. "Her and Duo kiss all the time, but it's nothing more than a peck on the cheek or occasionally a quick one on the lips."

"And you put up with that?" Maury asked.

"It's nothing more than friendly kisses." he said.

"Really?" Relena asked sweetly. "Not likely! That hussy has been with him behind your back!" she said. "I have a picture of them in a room with her arms around him kissing him like lovers!" she said.

Heero raised another eyebrow at Hilde who shook her head in denial.

"Heero, what if we had a picture of that moment? Would you like to see it?" Maury asked.

He shrugged. "Show it if you want." he said. On the screen behind them was a picture of Hilde and Duo in a room. She had her arms around his neck kissing him. They both had their eyes closed.

Heero raised both eyebrows and looked at Hilde in desbelief. "That's Duo's room." he said.

"I-I swear!" she said near tears. "We didn't do anything!"

"That's a lie!" Relena cried out in triumph. "Admit it!" she pointed a finger at her. "You were in Duo's room at night kissing each other about to get in bed and have sex!!!!"

Hilde leaned back away from Relena shaking her head. "I-"

"THE HELL WE WERE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX!!!!!!!!!!" a voice filled with anger practically screamed from the audience. Everyone looked up at him in shock. It was Duo. Both Heero and Hilde looked relieved but Relena looked about ready to scream.

Trowa, Quatre, Zechs, Noin, Sally. They all looked at him in surprise then all tried to hold him back as he tried to get out of his row and go down to the stage. He jerked free and stormed down the audience to the stage.

"Um...Who are you? Are you Duo?" Maury asked.

"Damn right!" he said angrilly.

"So you and Hilde weren't about to have sex?" Maury asked.

"Damn right!" he said. "Both Heero and Hilde are my best friends and I'd never do something like that to Heero!"

"Then why were you kissing?"

Duo marched to the screen behind them and pointed to it. "That ain't a 'I love you' kiss! That's a 'congratulations and thank you' kiss."

"Congratulations and thank you?"

"Look!" he said pointing to a grandfather clock at the side. "Do you see that? That's a 3-D grandfather clock puzzle. Me and her were workin' for months on that thing and we were finally finished that night. That's part of the reason we kissed. The other part is that I agreed to babysit their daughter for two weeks while her and Heero went off on vacation together." he turned to Relena. "So don't you tell me or anybody else that that kiss was anything more than that!" he stood tall and put his hands on his hips and laughed maniacally. "Because I am Shingami! Fear me!" he cried and Trowa, Heero, Hilde, Quatre, Zechs, Noin, and Sally all sweatdropped.

Sally got up and drug him by his braid back to her seat and jerked him down in the seat next to her. "Duo shutup." she said as if she put up with that everyday.

"Ooook." Maury said. "Relena, it seems that you were wrong about them kissing."

"I'm not! They're both lying!" she cried.

Duo pulled a set of keys out of his pocket with a chibi Deathscythe and a scythe and a picture with the g-boys and Hilde and Mei keychains and something that said Duo and Shingami hanging with the keys. "Don't make me get Deathscythe and squash you!" he threatened. "'Cuz I will!"

"Another gundam pilot?" Maury asked.

"Yup!" Duo grinned proudly. "Duo Maxwell aka Shingami! Proud pilot of Deathscythe!" Everyone ooed and Duo grinned. Heero sighed instead of shooting a deathglare.

"Back to our story." Maury said. "There's someone else Relena says that Hilde's been cheating on you with."

"Who?" he asked boredly.

"She says that they were caught sleeping together."

"It's true! I have pictures!" Relena said.

Heero raised an eyebrow and looked at Hilde again. "I swear I didn't do anything!" she said.

"Who is it then?" Heero asked Maury.

"Chang Wufei." he said.

"They were sleeping together?" he asked.

"That's right!" Relena said.

"You shutup!" Heero commanded. She fell silent.

"Let's bring out Wufei!" Maury said and Wufei was escorted on to the stage. Some audience clapped some booed. Wufei shot them a deathglare that rivaled Heero's. Everyone fell silent.

"Thank you for being here, Wufei." Maury said.

He didn't answer and sat down in a chair next to Duo.

All of a sudden they heard someone from behind the scenes going "No! Come back!"   
then Mima ran onto the stage after Wufei. "Fei! Fei! Fei! Fei! Fei! Fei!" she yelled as she ran. She ran to him and glomped his leg and climbed into his lap. She glared. "You weft me!" she accused but her accusastions cut short when she looked over and saw her Mommy and Daddy. "Mommy! Daddy!" she cried and jumped over Duo and into Hilde's lap.

"That's your daughter Mima?" Maury asked.

"Yep." Heero and Hilde both said.

"Hi!" Mima said cheerfully.

"Hello." Maury said and smiled then straightened up.

"Ok..." he said to Wufei. "Relena says that you and Hilde were caught sleeping together."

"If by sleeping together, you mean sex, then yes, but not in over four years." Wufei said flatly. "But if you mean just sleeping together as in lying in the same bed asleep, then yes." he said. "But not recently."

"How long has it been since you and Hilde slept in the same bed?" Maury asked.

"About 2 1/2 years."

"Her and Heero were together then, so why did she sleep in your bed?"

"Because Heero was gone on a mission and she felt sick so she came in my room and asked if she could sleep with me so I could rub her back so she would be comfortable enough to go back to sleep."

"Where was the baby?"

"She was with us."

"There was no baby with them! They were alone!" Relena said. "I have a picture!"

The screen showed a picture of Wufei and Hilde in Wufei's room laying on his bed curled up together under the covers asleep. They were touching forheads and Wufei had his arm around Hilde holding her in his sleep.

Wufei looked at Relena like she was the stupidest person in the world. "You _stupid idiotic _woman!" he burst. "That picture was taken _before_ Hilde and I broke up!"

"How do you know?!" Relena shot back.

Wufei stalked to the screen and pointed to a stereo on the dresser. "You see that?!" he asked. "That's Hilde's stereo. She used to sleep in my room everynight when we were together so she moved alot of her things into my room including her stereo!" he said. "And when we broke up she took all her things back into her room...And besides, not five days after we broke up, I rearranged my room and moved the dresser to the other side of the room. So if you took a picture from that angle after I moved my dresser, you'd see a tv instead."

"Oh I see." Maury said. Wufei sat back down. "Is that right Hilde?"

"Yep." she said as flatly as Wufei and Heero.

"Liar!" Relena glared.

"Oh yeah?" Hilde glared back. Mima crawled into Heero's lap.

"Yeah! You're nothing but a whore who's stolen Heero from me!"

"And I'd like to squash you with my gundam too!" Wufei said.

"You pilot a gundam too?" Maury asked.

"Yes. Shenlong, also known as Nataku."

Everyone ooed. Deathglare from Wufei.

Maury stifled a laugh. "Well, does anyone else in the audience know Heero and Hilde? If so stand up."

Trowa, Quatre, Zechs, Noin, and Sally stood up.

"Any of you gundam pilots?"

Trowa, Quatre and Zechs raised their hands.

Everyone ooed.

"Name your gundams." he said.

"Heavyarms." Trowa said.

"Sandrock."

"Torogeese." (1)

"Ok, you can sit down now." Maury said. They did.

"Anywho." Wufei said.

"Oh yes." Maury said. "Heero, I have given Wufei and Hilde a lie detector test to find out if she's really cheating. Do you want to hear the results?"

"Might as well." he answered.

"Ok." Maury said pulling out a piece of paper. "Hilde first...She was asked if she has ever slept with Wufei, as in sex, she said yes, the lie detector test shows that that was the truth. She was asked if she has slept with him, as in sex, after you and her got together, she said no, that was the truth. She was asked if she has slept with anyone, as in sex, other than you after you got together, she said no, that was the truth. She was asked if she really loves you, she said yes, that was the truth. She was asked if she has ever hypnotized you or anyone, she said no, that was the truth." he looked at Heero. "So how do you like the results so far?" he asked.

"I like them." he said shrugging.

"Me too!" Mima cried not knowing what they were talking about.

"I asked Wufei about the same thing and it all was the truth too." Maury said then turned to Relena. "I also gave Heero a lie detector test to see if he was ever with you."

"He was asked if he loved Hilde, he said yes, that was the truth. He was asked if he loved you, he said no, that was the truth. He was asked if you two were ever together, as in love, he said no, that was the truth. He was asked if you two were thinking about marriage, he said no, that was the truth." Maury looked at Relena. "Well?"

"I say that dumb test's wrong!" she cried.

"The tests are 99.9 accurate."

"Well! There's still a .1 chance that it's wrong."

"It's not wrong."

"I say you're lying!" she cried.

"And I say you're crazy." Maury said calmly.

"Yep." everyone in the audience agreed.

Security guards appeared and drug Relena off to a looney bin.

Maury stood. "It was a very interesting show, however pointless. Thank you for coming." he said to the people on stage. "Thanks for watching. Tune in next time." he said and the show ended and everyone clapped. People then stampeded to all the gundam pilots, including Heero and Wufei to get their autographs. The pilots and their family and friends looked at each other then ran for their lives.

_**As I said, this story didn't make much sense, but I hope at least some of you enjoyed the humour. R&R, please!**_

_**(1) I hope I spelled this right! Sorry if I didn't!**_


End file.
